Loner

Sunny.Doesn't feel so cold now.16C

I wanted to go to the Gerstein plays Gershwin concert this weekend, but I had a difficult time trying to find someone to go with me. As I've said (somewhere) before, I don't understand why I didn't/couldn't find friends that would have more common interests with me so that we can do things together more often instead of just having lunches or dinners. In fact, when I think more clearly, I hardly do anything with my friends anymore except eating.

I go to movies alone (or with my Mum. Well, this is probably the thing that I do most with my friends except eating).

I go to gym alone.

I go to concerts alone (or with my Mum, who is rather reluctant and tends to fall asleep).

I go to Canto-pop concerts with friends, who are not so close (and a few who have become a little distant).

I eat lunch alone (or at my desk. Mum joins me for lunch sometimes as well).

I watch TV (mostly the piled-up TV drama) alone or with Mum who sometimes dismiss herself half way through the show.

I mean all of the above can be done alone, and I sometimes enjoy doing them alone - you don't have to make plans with another person, check schedules, ask the other person's preference for seats/price/location, etc. But if I start to do everything alone, I will become more and more isolated with the people I know. I mean, there are other people out there that like watching the movies I like, listen to the music I listen to, plays badminton and squash, but why aren't those people someone I know?! I start to think this mismatch is some kind of a joke which is to deepen my belief that I am a loner.

I don't know. I have been doing things alone throughout my life.

I think I am a loner. I am an only child. I learnt a musical instrument which is mostly played for solo performance, and the learning and practising is a lot of solitude work. I played alone when I was a small child and I didn't mingle with children from my age or classmates after class. Even when I grew older, during my teenage years, I didn't get any chance to go out with my friends in the weekends. In college, I had a roommate but she's almost inexistent because most of the time she would recede to her boyfriend's place and I had the whole place to myself. Right now at work, I didn't have to work with anyone and I didn't really get to know anyone very well. They all seem to have their own friends and circles already. I might seem to have many friends, but I never got really close with any of them. Most of the time it seemed like I was tagging along so that I could hang out with people but it was really just me trying to push away the loneliness and I didn't have to be by myself all the time.

On this very cold day, though sunny, I feel like a loner. And because there isn't anyone to share the joy of the good weather with me, I feel even more like one.