Thursday, May 31, 2007

不倫之戀

雨雲再聚.29C

不,當然不是我.雖然我也曾經有幻想過,不過,那絕對不會出現在我的生活裏.


我要說的是我認識不是很久的一個朋友.我知道寫出來好像有點那個.可是不吐不快,放在我的腦子裏,它一直不停地打擾著我的思緒.

朋友一路以來都有告訴我他有一個已婚的客人對他有意無意的示好,間中就會有些獻殷勤的動作.借感謝之美名來請吃飯(海鮮餐,燭光晚餐...),送他公司出品的東西,送名牌的墨水筆等等.大概還有其他的我不知道吧.但每當我聽到這些的時候,我都會很直接的告訴朋友說你要小心一點.更何況,你不是也自己說過有人提醒你這個客人的聲名壞得即使未至於狼籍也已經是到了響警報的程度了嗎?

還有,除了是公司的compliance issues,你接受了他的禮物就代表你接受了他的心意.這是很危險的.

朋友已經有好一陣子沒談戀愛,而且他是那種不甘寂寞的人(我經常如此笑他而他也不會否認),因此對於這個客戶表面上看似追求的行動十分受落.這也是很危險的.我覺得朋友即使一直辯說他知道在發生甚麼事情,但其實他已經不能很理智地看清這正邁向甚麼方向了.更危險的話就是他很清楚走下去是甚麼回事,可是他就偏偏要繼續下去.

今天,他告訴我他們有了進一步的接觸(算是輕微的啦).我只能在電話的另一邊張大了口,說不出任何話來.我心裏想:到底你要的是甚麼?!就是那麼一刻的快樂?就為了有個人伴在你身邊?

我一直勸他要疏遠一點那個客戶,並不是我嫉妒他有人追求,而是這種情況跟我的價值觀背道而馳.要是各樣客觀條件都很適合(是的,我很現實),雙方也很合得來,而且對方已與原有的伴侶無法再繼續也打算停止伴侶的關係的話,那麼我想我願意等到一切都明朗了之後才開始這段關係.

要我當你的情人?要我當第三者?要我背上黑名來讓你滿足快樂?對不起,我辦不到.我要的是雙方都得到快樂,雙方都無憂的關係.

是我乏味?是我單純?是我保守?是我想得太多?無論如何,我就是沒辦法接受那種不清不楚的開始,曖昧而且會讓我有罪惡感的關係.而且,到最後自己真的會快樂嗎?不會傷害到別人嗎?那種傷害到別人的快樂我也承受不了.我不是那種沒有愛情就會死掉的女生.對不起,那麼久了,我也已經不知道愛情是甚麼味道.(還是,我從來就不曾真正知道?)但我知道,就算我不會愛得翻天覆地,轟轟烈烈,我也有找到快樂的其他方法.在我的人生中,我不需要這種愛情來讓我沮喪懊惱與後悔.

對不起,要是你看到了這篇,希望你不要生氣.我寫出來當然不是要詆毀你.我當然想要你快樂(你以為我很喜歡聽人家在吐糟嗎?!),只是我沒辦法很直接的告訴你我想講的,如果我不寫出來,我的腦袋很快就會炸掉了.也請你別再告訴我你跟他怎樣怎樣.因為我知道了之後,我並不確定你是否真正的快樂,可是我卻覺得你將會不能自拔地逐步走進不倫的黑洞中.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Spotting Antares, again!

Beautifully Clear Sky, with some random clouds.29C

The sky is so beautiful tonight! It's clear, it's bluish black, it's filled with stars! Even with the nearly-full moon so brightly hanging up there, and so much light pollution from the skyscrapers around, you can still see the stars clearly. I guess this must be the after-rain effect that Aulina mentioned in her poem.

And yes, I've spotted Antares again!

I totally didn't recognise it when I was looking out from my room's window at the mighty Jupiter. It was a bright, non-flickering star, so I figured that it must be one of the planets. So, I went to the interactive star chart on HK Space Museum's website to double check: (click to enlarge)


Viola! Not only did I prove myself right in spotting two planets (I still couldn't differentiate one planet from another) in the same sky tonight when I was taking the after-dinner stroll with Mum in the Racecourse, I have also found out that the bright red star right next to Jupiter was indeed Antares. (I actually saw it last year and read all about Jupiter being beside Antares... how could I have forgotten about it?!)

I'm going to tell Mum tomorrow morning that the really bright "thing" that we saw hanging over QE Stadium was Saturn, and the one on the other side was Jupiter and they are not satellites in the outer space!!! But I guess she'll just sneer at me even though she knows I'm right.

And seriously, I should get myself some more powerful binoculars. Using the small pair that I would bring to a concert or horse-race doesn't help much when it comes to identifying celestial bodies that are so far away. And if there are anyone from the buildings across or the flat up/downstairs accidentally saw me with my binoculars, they might think that I'm a pervert! >_<~

Summer trip scheduled

Finally Sunny!29C

I've finally got my summer trip tickets booked. We have to fly a different airline this year otherwise my ticket would be around $2,000 more expensive. The hours aren't that great though - we're basically wasting 2 days flying there and coming back. It's a total trade-off between time and money paid out.


Anyway, at least it's now settled but that means I'll have to start gathering information about where we will go and what to do. No more Prague this year for sure. The tentative plan is Paris Disneyland and Normandy/Provence. I'll have dig more my newspaper/magazine clippings and that's going to be a lot of work!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

衝動

看著陳老師一個人騎在小Vespa上,突然有一剎衝動,好想去學騎機車.

看著陳老師終於鼓起勇氣一個人去旅行,突然有一剎衝動,好想也一個人去闖蕩....

[K,謝謝分享MV.我都忘了老師會有MV存在的可能性.]

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

花的姿態

我不算是超粉,因為我不會東飛西跑的追著老師的演出,而且我也負擔不了那些旅費和時間.去年的bar show、到朗豪坊宣傳的weekday迷你演唱會、生力WDO、年初的巡迴演唱會、復活節在墾丁的春天吶喊、還有上個禮拜在理大的校園演唱會... ...統統都錯過了.

不過沒關係,因為我今天拿到了我的《花的姿態經典實錄精裝版 (2CD+DVD)》!!!

我到現在還記得第一次看演唱會就是去看老師在九展的《吉他手演唱會》.那份震撼和興奮,到現在我還感覺到.

好期待可以打開盒子的那天... 倒數中... 13...

Monday, May 21, 2007

28 days later

Preparing to Rain.23C

This is not about the movie, which I have forgotten to watch/tape last Friday when it's aired on TV. urgh...

Anyway, after 16 years, it's finally corrected itself and got into the cycle of 28 days for 3 consecutive months for the first time (well, this month is a few days earlier)!

The human body is totally amazing but, sometimes, very illogical.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

小聰明(二)

滴答滴答下著雨.外面的天和我的臉一樣臭.21C

星期天的午餐和行動不便的姑婆一在家裏享用.

吃兩碗麵的時間裏不停在:

炫燿家裏有甚麼甚麼好康的,多放幾年將會變成古董...

炫燿送這個那個甚麼很貴的給晚輩... 例如HK$200的上衣.噢,因為他們從來沒穿過那麼貴的衣服

炫燿那個那個甚麼孫結婚時又送了甚麼禮... 然後又向我媽訴苦說首飾全都沒了,全都送人了.然後又硬向我媽要了我媽的一隻珍珠戒指.

沒完沒了.

聽得我頭昏腦脹.

於是我說:

那是不是我結婚的時候您也會送我甚麼?

換來的是剎那寂靜...

和別過去的頭.

破例

下雨了,好涼快!黃色暴雨警告中.22C


為何說康乃馨不美?為何不喜歡?

威逼利誘下媽買了兩束還沒開的綑了粉紅色邊的白色康乃馨.到了家還在碎碎唸說不知道會不會開.

你看:三天下來全開透;一個禮拜之後依然朵朵燦爛.

很有母親節的氣氛呀.

俗氣?那,要看你買甚麼顏色.

我說我喜歡的是最漂亮,媽最後也同意了(自發性地!).

就是嘛,偶爾破例買一束康乃馨,真不錯呀.而且,不過是一年一次而已.

不過,不過,請你不要送我康乃馨.

因為...

我不要破例.

康乃馨是送給媽媽的. :P

Saturday, May 19, 2007

小聰明(一)

陰.快下雨吧,我要熱死了.24C

最討厭人家問我拿老爸的地址,他有好幾個而且我又不完全記得.可況,他喜歡裝神秘,我就替他來個大攔截.

姑婆一說他有個侄孫女還是甚麼的以前替我老爸做暑期工,可能要去XYZ旅行,想要順路探我老爸,問我要地址.

地址?!神經警報馬上「撻著」.

你那個甚麼親戚我不知道老爸還記不記得,幹嗎要給你地址?!

<攔截一>

我對媽說,讓我去問老爸,他說給就給囉.

我問爸,他說可以.

可是我不爽,於是沒有給.我跟媽說,爸說可以但我想要是姑婆一沒提起就當忘了.媽說好主意.

<攔截一完>

於是,我們以為game over.

但剛才,姑婆一居然想起了這回事!這次直接問我要.那本銀行派的小本子都遞到我面前來了.

我要怎麼回呢?

<攔截二>

我說,我不記得我爸的地址呢.(家的地址我有,但的背不出來!!!)

我寄信給他都是寄到郵箱去的.(還有電子的.)

姑婆一頓了頓.然後說,喔,其實那個侄孫女現在剛開了店又要搬家...[下刪五十字]

我問,他今年就會去嗎?

答案是:不會呀.

我心裏想...頂,那你要來托?! [對不起,今早被他四點半搞醒後就沒再睡.頭痛+暴躁中.]

我口裏說...哦.

姑婆一於是繼續碎碎唸...好啦,沒關係啦.他真要去再跟你問啦... [下續刪五十字]

<攔截二完>

於是攔截二成功了.小聰明勝利!

其實,我對老人家都是必恭必敬的.平常有如暴龍的我會突然間變得像隻小白兔一樣.有些形象是必須保持的嘛.

可是,當遇到無理/無謂的要求時,我會耍出我的四両撥千斤.管你心裏其實知不知道我在刁難/推搪/拒絕你,總之大家表現得開心滿意,我就大功告成.

唏!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Back in business

Sunny.Showers later?28C

I was so sad when my Manhattan credit card is no longer useful for booking movie tickets online earlier this year (or late last year?). So I have essentially stopped using the card and was thinking of shuffling it to the bottom of my drawer. (But of course I won't discontinue using the card because its service charge is waived for life. :P) (And, recently I have been obsessed with collecting different credit cards, which is really occupying quite a bit of space of my wallet. I should really stop that bad habit soon, too.)

And while I was checking out if the card is any good for going to the restaurants/bars in LKF/SoHo, a pop-up appears which has announced some great news! Tala~ we can now get 10% off Broadway cinema tickets + free service charge (1,500 points/ticket, which is actually <>

Yeah! The card has finally made itself useful to me again.

(oh well, I have such a petty mind...)

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Record early sleeping time

Sunny!26C

Wow! I went to bed last night at 2315 and I wasn't sick at all. That was a record breaking time year-to-date.


And what's better, I managed to wake up quite fully this morning to go to the gym, hopefully shredding a few (in 100s) calories off.

And...! I've been coming to work on time for 3 consecutive days, considering I have been so slacking that I came in at around 0925 for the past 2 or 3 months. [I do feel guilty about it!]

It's looking all so positive... lalala~~~ I'm going to beat May-the-bad-month and turn it into a good one.... lalala~~~

That means, I should get myself together and do some serious studying tonight as well? (Umm, going to bed early = sacrificing (aka evading) study time. *evil grin*)

Let's hope that will happen!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

溫室小花

太陽下山了.我要回家了.29C

我實在是太溫室小花了,讓我放出去的話,我應該會死得很慘.就是兩件小小的事情,讓我發覺我應該應付不了生命中的無常和突如其來的巨變.

昨日看完了冬冬的惡夢後,昨晚我便做了一個更大吉利是的'惡夢.夢見的景象完了,我夢見自己哭醒了(因為看到我自己的床和房間,可是真醒過來後臉沒有一丁點的濕呀),滿臉淚痕,心有餘悸的.醒過來後,心還是怦怦跳的.然後,我在想,如果夢見的事情有一天真發生了(其實,是會發生的.只是不會發生得這麼突然!),我想大概我也隻會像在夢中一樣手足無措.畢竟我其實是很沒用的,人家看得到的硬朗只是假裝的罷了.

然後,剛才聽到了驗血報告,雖然不是嚴重的毛病,可是那讀數之高遠遠超出我所預計.聽完之後,甚麼心情都沒了.連想去西藏的那把火都熄得無影無蹤.第一個給醫生的反應就是:「我對這個結果很doubtful啊!」

才那麼小事情,可是我一下子就已經跳去了denial這個階段了.如果要是告訴我的,是我得了甚麼絕症的話,我不是要當場暈死過去了嗎?

我...

好像自中學畢業之後一直都沒長大過.起碼思想上好像沒有.而且,還有倒退現象.

太不像話了.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

姣婆守唔到寡

晴.28C

應該要堅持不寫,可是突然很想寫啦.


哎呀~~~我想去西藏呀!

突然大學同學們在招攬團員,而且也會去...可是他們選在六月,我要上課呀.已經兩次因為去旅行而選擇跳過了elective.我不能再這樣子了啦.

可是,西藏是我好想好想去的地方(一直到有在sidebar的那個榜上呀).而且,我想不到還有誰會想要跟我去.

好想哭.

嗚嗚嗚~~~

(唔.其實我還不知道他會不會去.禮拜四跟同學吃飯時讓我問問誰會去...)

Sunday, May 13, 2007

我要放blog假!

天陰多雲.25C


因為能力有限,分身乏術.而且,趁中毒未深,是時候要戒一下blog癮.

未來幾星期有三位姑婆要來探訪,還要寄居寒舍.媽已經緊張非常.依照目前狀況,應該不會是三位一起光臨,不過還是在安排床位上出現了問題,媽將會睡地板(我有爭取過呀!不過,被媽以我腰骨有老毛病為由而拒絕申請).到時候,睡眠時間應該會被嚴密監管,在書房的時間應該也會大大減少(我還沒有去弄無線上網>_<~~~).這代表了我能在家寫blog的時間應該所餘無幾.平常上班前我會邊吃早餐邊清掉我那些錄起來的電影,我看這段時間連那半小時可能也會被剝削了.(或者應該說要避免.要是被姑婆們不小心報告上去,我可又要挨罵了.)

工作上嘛,其實也是和平常差不多,只是很多突發性的工作不知道從那裏無端冒出,所以耽誤了平常的進展.也因此沒那麼多時間可以被殺掉.不過,還是會到處瀏覽人家的blog,在人家那邊留言,以作調劑嘛.

其實最重要的還是要備戰.但到現在還是很心野,我看這次又是死定了.

[圖:昨天到TS時看到的場外佈置.笑死我了.不過也很應景,的確,我也需要小休一下.]

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Apivita 7: Cleansing Tissues 3 in 1 with chamomile

炎熱.晴.29C

今天一早去經絡治療師那裏,油頭垢面的就跑去了,反正被推完之後還是會整臉的油.所以昨天晚上在找面膜的時候順路把這個也拿出來,準備推拿後可以用.

買的時候看到有這包東西心裏還嘀咕了好一會.平常洗臉都用清水呀,而且我又不化妝(所以就不用落妝囉),這包又有甚麼用呢?!但好像今天的情況就可以大派用場了.

一張A5大小的面紙「浸滿」了甘菊花的精華.因為我臉不算太大(!),抹完了一次還可以用面紙的其他地方反覆多擦幾次.而且,這也可以用來卸眼部的化妝,因此連眼睛也可以擦,非常方便.抹完了之後,臉真的很乾淨,油脂都沒了,而且還滑滑的(因為面紙的水裏有甘菊花嘛,變相就好像連toner也塗了一樣).

要是去旅行、郊遊帶這個也很方便的.不過應該就蠻貴的,而且也好像不太環保的呢.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Apivita 6: Calming face mask with dittany of Crete

多雲.25C
星期五晚上戰鬥力薄弱,最適合敷面膜.加上最近包包臉升級變成左右對稱月球火山區,來一個有清潔或「鎮靜」作用的面膜就最好不過.於是就在之前買的Fruits-in-the-box找到這個.
Benefits:
• Soothes irritated skin types (舒緩敏感或受刺激皮膚)
• Combats and prevents irritation (對抗及預防對皮膚做成的刺激)
• Ideal for sensitive skin types (適合敏感性皮膚使用)

Active Ingredients
: Dittany of Crete (克里特白蘚), chamomile oil (甘菊油), organic olive oil (有機橄欖油), phytotal (一種可以減少微絲血管破裂和令其回復彈性的物質).
面膜是白色有點像乳酪的質地,因為份量很多,敷上臉後有點被「活埋」的感覺.大概這幾天的排毒弄得臉的情況真的有點糟(會紅和有點痛),所以我也分不出到底敷後是刺刺的還是熱熱的(有些面膜是熱膜,敷後會發熱).可是這個沒有寫明會發熱,因此我只能推定是刺刺吧.

十五分鐘後,用溫水洗清,發現原本有輕微發炎的暗瘡/粒粒已經不再發紅和痛,鼻子的毛孔似乎也收小了些.大概那舒緩的效果還真的不錯,暗瘡並沒有馬上消失,但能讓它們不再惡化也很滿意了.

上網找了一下用家的評語好像都還不錯,不過我這種狀況並不經常發生,因此要買一大包放在家裏就有點不划算了.突然想到,如果有一天會到到希臘旅行的話,到時候不要忘了去找一找這個牌子的東西!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Warzone

It's getting dark now.26C

Somehow the warzone at home has spread to office, quite unnecessarily. Both my desks are practically covered in stacks of paper, newspaper clippings, books, textbooks (I run out of space to store away the textbooks from the previous half-semester), CDs...

I still have the HKIFF program sitting on my office desk (95% untouched).

I think it's my mind that has expanded its territory.

Am I ready to fight? I really should be, or I'll die a terrible death.

But. I'm nowhere near it.

Gosh, I think, I already know what the result is.

Maybe it's still not too late to make amends. I should at least let the warzones have some value of their existence in the first place.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

五月不是好月份

晴.乾燥.29C

最近自己心情不好,朋友心情不好,也有不少博友心情不好或覺得很煩惱.


是因為五月嗎?

曾經很喜歡五月,因為小學時集會會唸三次《聖母經》,適合懶惰的我不用背其他的經文,而且又很短.還有,是因為我是女孩子吧,唸聖母經》好像是有一種說不出來的特殊關連.而且,雖然要考試了,但到了五月就代表夏天快到,要放暑假了!

不過,最近這幾年都不喜歡五月.因為特別的stressful.因為夏天又要來了,我這麼胖,真的為了夏天要穿甚麼才不會顯得那麼胖又不會熱而煩惱!因為這似熱非熱的天氣,媽要開冷氣睡但我不願意卻又要屈服.

還有,因為我討厭(或者是比較不喜歡的人)剛好都是五月初/中生日的.是因為我真的和金牛座合不來吧(特別是五月的金牛座)?

哎呀,好討厭呀!

Monday, May 07, 2007

家計會2006廣告

陽光普照.天氣乾燥.27C



這個廣告原來已經是去年的了,不過我好像是前一、兩個月才看到,最近好像又沒播了.

它原來有個名字,叫《大家庭小家庭(大家庭篇) 》.

我很喜歡這個廣告,每次看了都會哈哈大笑.除了因為有近來曝光率追得上Jacky仔的童星 - Paco (噢,他比Jacky仔可愛多了.希望P不會變成像J那樣吧.) - 之外,還有因為那些從孩子角度出發的觀察.當然,喜歡的還有那對爸爸媽媽隨著新生命在肚子裡每天成長而在生活上或行為上作出的改變被漫畫化地表現出來.

真的,當爸爸媽媽都為了要迎接新成員的來臨的同時,有沒有顧慮到家裏的孩子的感受呢?特別是當那小孩已經當了好幾年家裏的小霸王時,突然有個娃娃要來分地盤,他會有甚麼想法?還有,懷孕的媽媽在生理和心理上有些細微的轉變,家裏的成員都察覺到嗎?會理解嗎?會體諒嗎?其實都是很嚴肅的話題,但被輕鬆地處理後,那訊息會不會更容易地被接收?

家計會歷年的宣傳廣告都很深入民心,原來他們的網址有一個頗齊全的存檔,真的很不錯啊.還要很謝謝把它放上YT的那位,可以想看的時候可以隨時看看.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Calbee大搜查(八):日式餃子味薯片

清晰看得到夜空,還有明亮的水星.27C
[還有還有,原來今天是寶瓶座流星雨的高峰期]



這是好像在農曆新年後買的(還沒過期!!!),不過現在在超市偶爾還是會看得到.

是我喜歡的薄切,有我喜歡的微酸.吃得到有一點味精(雞肉粉和香蒜粉),吃完覺得有點非常輕微的辣.會感覺到口渴但又未至於要不停喝水.所謂的日式餃子味其實不過是那酸酸的日式餃子醬汁,我是一丁點都吃不到那椰菜和豬肉的味道!(成份表明了有椰菜和豬肉提取物...那是甚麼?!)不過那沒關係.


不是甚麼標奇立異的產品,但那不斷求新的精神還是可嘉的.

星:4.5粒.其實跟原味的差不多,就是口味多了一點點餃子醬的酸味和不知道從哪兒來的辣(平常會下七味粉嗎?).可是不喜歡酸的人就應該不會選它了.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Strange calls

Shower.23C

I've been getting calls without ID on my mobile recently. Usually these calls come in during the day when I am at work. When I'm in the office, I don't pick up calls from my mobile directly so usually it takes a while for the calls to divert to the office number. Anyway, these calls all stopped as soon as I answer them.

Just now, another one just came in. But I think that one was dialed through accidentally.

Anyway, who-the-hell-ever was making those frigging phone calls. You better stop them!!!
(Of course I don't think *they* will be reading this. Or I'll know who the callers potentially are. There are only a handful who have my mobile number AND read my blog.)

Or, maybe I should just filter out all the private number calls. (But I don't want to pay extra. >_<~)

Friday, May 04, 2007

Forgiving

Rain Rain Rain.27C

I am, by no means, a forgiving person.


OK, that sounds really scary. Let me put it this way: I don't forget and forgive easily.

And that's why on this day, even the tiniest memory that is related to you will creep back and hit me the most. Not that I didn't want to forget, oh Yes! I do. But I just couldn't. It was too dear a lesson that I have learnt.


I've just landed in this new, strange land and met you, and you befriended me. I was so happy because I was frustrated with classwork and people in my class ignored me, laughed at me, and shrugged me off during play time. I was a schoolaholic before but I no longer wanted to go to school. But where else could I go? There was still such a long way to go and I was sure that these tiny, little follies would soon go away. And yes, it did. Because you came along, with the other girls in your class. We started to hang out and I didn't feel lonely and helpless anymore. For the remaining two months before we moved to high school, I was happy. I saw that the sun was once again illuminating my path.


And then we all went to the same high school, and of course there were girls from the other schools. Once again, we were in different classes. But I didn't feel as helpless as before because I met new friends, and so did you; and we hanged out during interval and lunch time anyway.

But then things suddenly took a downturn - the girls in my class started to ostracize me for reasons that were beyond my comprehension. They said that I was a snob and a show off. We had to do a stupid dance for the PE class, they just pretended I wasn't in the group and I ended up doing a solo (well, the PE teacher was actually quite impressed). So, I officially became a loner in the class. (It's really just among the Asian girls. The locals were still friendly but I wasn't close to any one to start off with.) At first, I didn't know that I was being ostracized. When I realized what happened, I was so sad and took it all in by myself. I didn't tell a single soul, not even my mum, who's already miserable enough herself at that time. By I was only 13, and even I knew it was really trivial I was still very upset and so I decided to tell you what happened. I told you, because you were my friend (or so I thought).

So, I poured my heart out to you. I told you what happened and how I felt. And you listened quietly and comforted me. And when I could not hold back my tears anymore, I let them flow because I thought it was OK to cry in front of you and not feel embarrassed. I was so happy that I have found a caring and supportive friend. After all the years of being a lonely child at home and in school, I was finally going to have a close friend whom I could share with all the goods and the bads.

Did that scare you off?

And so I found out that was only my wishful thinking.

A few days later, you stopped talking to me, you ignored my presence, you told everyone else in the group when you would meet up in lunchtime but me. I was left alone again. But this time, in a cold, icy world, all by myself.

This hurt so much more compared to what the other girls did to me. (Side-track: the other girls eventually "accepted me back", for no reason again. Things appeared to be normal but I knew what they were like. They were classmates, but were never friends.)

I was weak and vulnerable in front of you. I showed you what I have truly felt like I have never done in my life. I wasn't asking for pity; I was asking for your friendship. Maybe that was a bit too much to ask of you. Maybe it was something that you felt you should reserve for a better candidate.

I forgot if I have confronted you with this shortly after. My mind has perhaps turned on its auto clean function to wipe out the unpleasant memories. But if I did, I really shouldn't have. It wasn't worth it. [@23:34 I now remember - I actually went up and asked you if you didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and you didn't say anything. It was a moment of shock and horror, I'd say.]

Things were never the same again. A prick has grown and tension has developed. Nothing was ever revealed, nobody could really tell what happened (or so I thought, and anyway, who cared?), and you never showed that you were jealous of me (that's from conversations between our mothers). But why should you? You have everything - you are intelligent, hard-working; you have 3 sisters; you were allowed to spend your after class hours however you like, joining table tennis club or whatsoever. You were the Maths genius going to important competitions around the world, you were the table tennis team captain, you were the dux. What else do you want? Why weren't you content? Why did you still have to compare yourself to me when you were superior to me in every aspect?

I never really forget what happened and I am not trying to. I'll just let it fade. I know it's all over but whenever I see you or hear you or somebody mentions you, it will all come back. Except that there's no hatred, no jealousy, nothing. In fact, it doesn't really have anything to do with you. It was more like about me, about how stupid I was, about how I should pick a friend, and how I should deal with people - I hope you weren't expecting me to revenge or to turn into a monster and live under your shadow for the rest of my life, were you? Well, that's not my style at all. I would live a better life than you. I would be a happier person than you. No - I'll live a happy life. I'll be a happy person. That's what I will do.

But I should count that as a blessing because it's a good lesson learnt. And if it weren't for you, I couldn't find my real friend later on. Maybe I'm still not a happy person as I want myself to be, I am happy enough with what I possess.

Anyway, happy birthday. I really hope that you are also living happily now.

[P: Have I told you about this before? I can't remember. When I told you the dinner I had with her was quite a torment because I didn't have much to talk to her, and you asked why. This should be the answer, at least it should explain most of it.]

Conversation

Rainy.27C

Did your mum not teach that it's bloody rude to break into other people's conversation which you are not in?!

Gosh, that long-tongued woman was just bloody annoying! It's especially worse when I'm feeling as grim as the sky outside. (OK, feeling a little better than I was yesterday afternoon.)

I just got back from lunch with Sandee and the colleague in front (let's call her B) was asking me when did I go, so I showed her the card of the place we went. Colleague B then started to ask me what did I have, whereabout it is, how much was the set lunch etc... and Long-Tongue was answering every single question for me just as I was opening my mouth. And may I ask, how would you know what did I eat just now?

Gosh. You two were gossiping in the front all day long already and now B was just asking about MY lunch, I guess you can spare just a couple of minutes for us to make a small conversation?

Someone just couldn't keep her mouth and ears shut.

Reminder to myself

Cloudy.25C

Heard this piece on the radio on the way to work just now. The melody was beautiful. I'm writing this down so that I won't forget and can find it later on.

It should be Beethoven's Variations on "Bei Mannern" of Mozart. It's a piano and cello duet. (there's a part 2 of the video. I'll check it out later.)

----

Correction @ 00:03

OK, I've listened to the youtube recording and it's not what I heard this morning. So, the programme listing on the website must have been screwed up. After much searching, I found it! It's actually the final movement of Sonata for cello & piano in A major (arr. from "Sonata for violin & piano") by Cesar Franck, a Belgian composer. I prefer the cello version to the original one.

I'm going to locate the CD locally first. If not, then I'll order it via amazon. Yay! (I'm a genius! ^_^)

[I've forgotten to add, the links above were samples from www.amazon.com.]
doubanclaim407b29992e7ac604

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Grim

I think I seriously need some counselling now.

What happened to my life?

What am I doing with a job like this?

Why are my other classmates getting on so much better in work and life than I am?

Geez... my legs are feeling weak and I'm feeling dizzy.

Maybe I should just go home and sob it all out.