Forgiving

Rain Rain Rain.27C

I am, by no means, a forgiving person.

OK, that sounds really scary. Let me put it this way: I don't forget and forgive easily.

And that's why on this day, even the tiniest memory that is related to you will creep back and hit me the most. Not that I didn't want to forget, oh Yes! I do. But I just couldn't. It was too dear a lesson that I have learnt.

I've just landed in this new, strange land and met you, and you befriended me. I was so happy because I was frustrated with classwork and people in my class ignored me, laughed at me, and shrugged me off during play time. I was a schoolaholic before but I no longer wanted to go to school. But where else could I go? There was still such a long way to go and I was sure that these tiny, little follies would soon go away. And yes, it did. Because you came along, with the other girls in your class. We started to hang out and I didn't feel lonely and helpless anymore. For the remaining two months before we moved to high school, I was happy. I saw that the sun was once again illuminating my path.

And then we all went to the same high school, and of course there were girls from the other schools. Once again, we were in different classes. But I didn't feel as helpless as before because I met new friends, and so did you; and we hanged out during interval and lunch time anyway.

But then things suddenly took a downturn - the girls in my class started to ostracize me for reasons that were beyond my comprehension. They said that I was a snob and a show off. We had to do a stupid dance for the PE class, they just pretended I wasn't in the group and I ended up doing a solo (well, the PE teacher was actually quite impressed). So, I officially became a loner in the class. (It's really just among the Asian girls. The locals were still friendly but I wasn't close to any one to start off with.) At first, I didn't know that I was being ostracized. When I realized what happened, I was so sad and took it all in by myself. I didn't tell a single soul, not even my mum, who's already miserable enough herself at that time. By I was only 13, and even I knew it was really trivial I was still very upset and so I decided to tell you what happened. I told you, because you were my friend (or so I thought).

So, I poured my heart out to you. I told you what happened and how I felt. And you listened quietly and comforted me. And when I could not hold back my tears anymore, I let them flow because I thought it was OK to cry in front of you and not feel embarrassed. I was so happy that I have found a caring and supportive friend. After all the years of being a lonely child at home and in school, I was finally going to have a close friend whom I could share with all the goods and the bads.

Did that scare you off?

And so I found out that was only my wishful thinking.

A few days later, you stopped talking to me, you ignored my presence, you told everyone else in the group when you would meet up in lunchtime but me. I was left alone again. But this time, in a cold, icy world, all by myself.

This hurt so much more compared to what the other girls did to me. (Side-track: the other girls eventually "accepted me back", for no reason again. Things appeared to be normal but I knew what they were like. They were classmates, but were never friends.)

I was weak and vulnerable in front of you. I showed you what I have truly felt like I have never done in my life. I wasn't asking for pity; I was asking for your friendship. Maybe that was a bit too much to ask of you. Maybe it was something that you felt you should reserve for a better candidate.

I forgot if I have confronted you with this shortly after. My mind has perhaps turned on its auto clean function to wipe out the unpleasant memories. But if I did, I really shouldn't have. It wasn't worth it. [@23:34 I now remember - I actually went up and asked you if you didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and you didn't say anything. It was a moment of shock and horror, I'd say.]

Things were never the same again. A prick has grown and tension has developed. Nothing was ever revealed, nobody could really tell what happened (or so I thought, and anyway, who cared?), and you never showed that you were jealous of me (that's from conversations between our mothers). But why should you? You have everything - you are intelligent, hard-working; you have 3 sisters; you were allowed to spend your after class hours however you like, joining table tennis club or whatsoever. You were the Maths genius going to important competitions around the world, you were the table tennis team captain, you were the dux. What else do you want? Why weren't you content? Why did you still have to compare yourself to me when you were superior to me in every aspect?

I never really forget what happened and I am not trying to. I'll just let it fade. I know it's all over but whenever I see you or hear you or somebody mentions you, it will all come back. Except that there's no hatred, no jealousy, nothing. In fact, it doesn't really have anything to do with you. It was more like about me, about how stupid I was, about how I should pick a friend, and how I should deal with people - I hope you weren't expecting me to revenge or to turn into a monster and live under your shadow for the rest of my life, were you? Well, that's not my style at all. I would live a better life than you. I would be a happier person than you. No - I'll live a happy life. I'll be a happy person. That's what I will do.

But I should count that as a blessing because it's a good lesson learnt. And if it weren't for you, I couldn't find my real friend later on. Maybe I'm still not a happy person as I want myself to be, I am happy enough with what I possess.

Anyway, happy birthday. I really hope that you are also living happily now.

[P: Have I told you about this before? I can't remember. When I told you the dinner I had with her was quite a torment because I didn't have much to talk to her, and you asked why. This should be the answer, at least it should explain most of it.]